Christmas Dilemma
by Blue Zombie
Summary: Craig tries to think of the perfect thing to get Joey for the Christmas of season three. This deals with his problems he has saying how he really feels to people, and it isn't just Ashley that has him tongue tied.
1. Chapter 1

I sat on the table, the kitchen table. The kitchen was kind of dark, only that light over the sink was on. Joey wasn't home yet, working late. I could smell the Christmas tree in the next room, that pine smell, and it reminded me of all the Christmases before this one. 

Sydney sat in the kitchen with me. Sydney, Joey's girlfriend. She was pretty and everything but I didn't think she'd last. They didn't really last. Except maybe for Caitlin, if he ever gets back together with her. That might last.

I was trying to think of what to get Joey for Christmas and it had to be good because it meant a lot. This was the first Christmas that he was like, my dad. Really. Last year my dad was still alive and it was sort of like I was gonna go back to him when he stopped…you know. And I was just staying with Joey in the meantime. But now it was different.

"What should I get Joey?" I asked Sydney, and she looked at me with a quick annoyed sort of look. Sydney was really wound up pretty tight. That right there wouldn't work out in the long run with Joey. 

"A tie rack. He needs one,"

"No, not a tie rack. It has to be good. It has to be special," I said, holding a can of coke, sipping it once in a while. Sydney would be no help.

"Well, Craig, I've made suggestions but you don't want to take them. You'll have to figure it out for yourself,"

I was fucking up across the board with Ashley and Manny. It was difficult, actually, I mean, trying to juggle both of them and keep Manny a secret from Ash. I couldn't keep this up much longer. I wasn't great in relationships. I couldn't admit my feelings. I couldn't really be honest with either of them, I didn't know who I wanted. But things were kind of cool with Joey. I never really felt like he didn't want me around. Not like I really felt like I belonged. I didn't really belong anywhere, not anymore. Not for a long time. But that was my thing, because I was fucked up and my dad had been abusive and everything and my mom died. But I saw Joey including me in everything and treating me like I was his son, not just like I was some screwed up kid who had no where else to go.

Sydney was sewing that costume for Angie's show. I watched her thread in the glittery gold thread into the collar of the outfit. Sipped my coke, felt the cold can under my palms. Closed my eyes for a second, smelled the Christmas tree, the cookies and fudge Sydney was making. I remembered the last Christmas I had lived with my dad. Eighth grade. I saw him in my mind's eye, standing by the tree in the living room. I missed him sharply for a second. 

I didn't know the thing I could get Joey that would show him that I appreciated everything he did, that I considered him to be more than my step dad. What thing could do that? A CD? A gift certificate to target? Damn it. I'd have to just wander around the mall and hope I saw something.

At the mall with Spinner, and he was making fun of me for dating Manny and Ashley at the same time. I told him to shut up. He walked along with that little butterfly thing he bought for Kendra. Getting gifts for Ash and Manny was easy.

"One girlfriend down, one to go, right?" Spinner said, smiling that mean smile at me. I rolled my eyes, told him to shut up again. The thing about Spinner was he wouldn't shut up.

We spent all day in that stupid mall and I didn't see anything that was right for Joey. Nothing. Maybe I wouldn't find anything. It was too complicated. I mean, Joey got me out of my dad's house when I was getting so close to just killing myself. He was there when I kept having those bad dreams, when I wasn't exactly adjusting well to things. I wasn't easy to live with, especially last year. I knew. But Joey never complained and he never made me feel worthless. Like my father used to make me feel. And I mean, he sort of changed in my mind. He used to just be my mom's husband, my step-father but not someone all that closely connected to me. And now he was. He was like this understanding type of dad I'd never had before.

"Shit, Spinner, I can't find anything for Joey," Spinner looked at me with his puzzled sympathetic look. Bounced his butterfly on a stick thing up and down so the butterfly's wings flapped.

"Ah, don't worry about it. There's plenty of shopping days left," He headed over to the food court and I followed him, scanning all the stores we were leaving behind. It didn't matter how many shopping days were left, I didn't think I'd ever find the perfect thing to give Joey.


	2. Chapter 2

I went back to the mall alone. I looked in all the stores that might have something halfway decent. After awhile it all started to look like commercial crap. Shit made in China. Shit made with lead paint or some toxic substance or it was flammable. None of it seemed to say what I wanted it to say, and that was that I knew this year was different.

I fingered sweaters and lifted up ties and even looked at the stupid tie rack that Sydney had suggested. No good. There was nothing here to get him. Maybe I was trying to squeeze it all into this gift because Ashley wasn't the only one I couldn't say things to. I couldn't say real shit to anyone. I kept it all to myself, all the feelings, all the everything. Why was that? I knew I was pretty screwed up, I knew that. I mean, my mom died when I was pretty young and when that happened I shut down. I had to to survive it or the pain would have killed me. And of course my dad wouldn't talk about it, or let me talk about it. I'd say stuff about her but then I'd see the look in his eyes, that 'shut up or I'll beat you,' look.

Yeah, so I shut down. But maybe I was still shut down. I still wouldn't say anything even though my dad was dead and this whole inability to admit my feelings was causing more harm than good now. I couldn't change. Shit, that sucked.

I left the mall even though I still didn't find anything. The days were ticking away. I'd have to get him something sooner or later.

At home I watched Ang make him a poster, coloring away. It had everything. Christmas trees and presents stacked a mile high and elves and Santa and all of us. There was Sydney with her long black hair cooking something that looked like a plucked ostrich but I was betting was a turkey. There was Joey, bald head gleaming away and a big goofy smile on his face opening an oversized gift. There was me in the corner with my curly hair and a guitar. There were hearts exploding all over the place and in big bubble letters she wrote, 'I love you, daddy,' Angie got it. That was all I was trying to say with this impossible to find present.


End file.
